I Am Just Not Myself These Days
I guess I would wonder about anyone who says “well, it’s business as usual for me and life goes on.” Big red flag. I usually love writing our newsletter. I always have something I want to write about, excitement I want to share, some wonderful experience that I think you would want to know about – there is always something. But not this time. The one topic I know I did not want to write about was anything whatsoever about COVID-19. In fact, I don’t think I really wanted to write about anything at all because I have a bad case of “COVID-19itis.” But after giving this some serious thought, I decided to put my honest thoughts in writing, from my heart, because that is always what serves me the best.
On Any Given Day
I pretty much don’t feel like taking a shower, getting out of my pajamas, or even combing my hair or brushing my teeth for that matter – until they start feeling fuzzy. I don’t like going anywhere because I hate wearing a mask. That might be too strong a word but I won’t go anywhere without one and wearing one drives me nuts. Do you actually know anybody who likes wearing one? If so, you might rethink the relationship. And I don’t like not feeling comfortable about having friends over. Where have they been? Are they a risk to my high-risk husband? Is it better if we sit outside? What should I do if they sneeze? I don’t want to think about those things at all. I just want to have people over and make more happy memories – like in the “before times.”
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) Big Time
And I really didn’t like missing my granddaughter’s first birthday and having to join in the fun and festivities via FaceTime and then having my daughter leave the room where the small party was going on and having her burst into tears because we couldn’t be there. Rooney will only have ONE first birthday and I missed it. When will we feel safe about taking the 10-hour road trip to see her and experience the joy of being grandparents without being worried about stopping for gas or using a public restroom? I keep wondering about what the “after times” will look like – when will we be able to go out to eat again and not have to worry about social distancing? I am a hugger for heaven’s sake. How’s that going to work? And what about staying in a hotel or getting on a plane or a train? Is that going to happen again anytime soon and what will any of that look like?
Support for Our Community
I also find myself constantly worrying about all the people I know and love who own restaurants or small businesses. Are they going to make it? How can I help make sure they do? What more could I be doing? I never saw myself handing out bags of food to moms in the hotel service industry for Mother’s Day and having one of the moms burst into tears and saying “I never saw myself having to do this and I am so grateful.” It broke my heart into lots of pieces and even though I know it’s not all on me, I know I can help someone like her – but how? I don’t even know her name. And is Mrs. Green’s World going to survive and thrive? We were on such a great trajectory to increase our impact and continue growing. What’s going to happen to us and how can I make sure we keep moving forward because I know our work is really important? Sigh. It’s all freaking exhausting and all very real to me. The committee in my head is working overtime and there are times when I just have to stop what I am doing and ask them all to please be quiet for a bit.
Part of the Solution
It is in the quiet that sanity returns, that hope fills my heart, that I feel stronger and know that I am a part of the solution. My inner guide assures me that I am a fighter, a disruptor for good and that I can help define and prepare people for the new normal. I also know that all of my amazing, wonderful, supportive, tried and true friends will still be there to make more memories, to toast with some bubbly, to passionately discuss politics in a safe and trusted “don’t hold back” space. That quiet leads me to my deeper place of gratitude. I am going to be able to pay my mortgage and my utility bills, I can afford groceries and gas for the car. And, most importantly, I am sheltering at home with the guy I still want to leave the party with after almost 45 years, that guy who gets me and thinks I’m funny and likes to hang around with me. And I end up also feeling very blessed because one of my children is sharing that space with me, likes to make me laugh, likes to binge watch until the wee hours of the morning from time to time and who is willing to share one of the most amazing little, sweet, loving, supportive dog one will ever hope to meet – our little Luna Bonita Applebaum.
And so it is and so it shall be. See you in the after times.
From about the age of five, Gina has been on the path of being a disruptor for good. A dreamer at heart, Gina is madly and passionately in love with this great planet of ours and is tireless in her efforts to preserve it.